Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
