I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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