i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
