This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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