yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
