I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
