I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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