A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
