i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
