Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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