moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
