i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
