did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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