Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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