tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
