why didn't you poke me back
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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