I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
