based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
