I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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