You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
