I cockslap morals
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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