Umm I'm too high to move.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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