my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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