Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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