I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
