Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
