the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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