Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
