I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
