Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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