so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
