Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
