i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
