i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
