Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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