My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
