Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
