Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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