You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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