textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
