I accidentally had phone sex last night
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
