I wish my penis had an off switch
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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