20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
