You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The adults are the big ones right?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
