i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
