Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
