Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
