He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
