I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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