my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
