I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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