All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
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