I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
