Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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