She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
