Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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