Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
