...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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