I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
