I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
