I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
