Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
