I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
