Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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