We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
it's like iHOP with fire
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
